You brought me here to die...

So I finished my first week here at IHOP and let me say that it feels like I've been here waaaaay longer than a week. Time is going by fast but the work that God is doing is so intense that it feels like I've been here for like a month already.

I came out here fully knowing the Lord was going to work in my life I just didn't know it was going to look like death. I knew it was going to be hard to be in the prayer house all day because that is not a normal lifestyle for me because I work, so I only have so many hours in the day. I don't know, have you ever tried praying for more than 4 hours straight or for the whole day everyday? LOL. It sounds super glorious, and it is, but it's not the easiest thing and it has a price. Your life. Everyone that I have talked to has a similar story of coming here and dying 1,000 deaths. This place really lives out the "take up your cross and follow me," and it's beautiful.

As I am spending all this time with the Lord I feel the flames of purging being turned up. It hurts and all this stuff starts coming up. All I want to do is call my friends, watch a movie, eat, go on facebook or find ANYTHING that will help me cope and numb all this stuff I am feeling, and for the first couple of days I do do that thinking nothing of it cause it's what I have always done. Then the Lord gently places His finger on this area and says "I am jealous for that."

"I want to be the one you turn to. I want to be enough for you when you are lonely. I want to be enough when you feel bored. I want to be the one that makes you feel beautiful. I want to be the one you find your worth in, I want to be the one you waste your time on." "I want to be your one and only."


I didn't even realize how busy I was internally and externally. I wasn't even allowing the Lord to be Lord in my life. By doing all that I was doing I was telling Him, "you're not enough."
So I just started feeling Him stripping me and ripping out all the distractions. I literally feel like a smoker trying to quit. It was like I was so irritated, lonely, bored, antsy, etc, just itching for something to hold me over but it was just me, Jesus and the wall....

Then in one of the services we were asking the Holy Spirit to fill us up and it took on a whole different meaning than it ever has before. I began to cry out to the Lord to fill the lonely places, the places that feel dead, the places where I feel void, unwanted, ugly etc etc...and the beauty of it all was He did.
When I actually gave Him room to touch those places He did...what a concept lol.

Later in the night a girl was praying for me and I saw Him in a vision and I was carrying all my garbage and bringing it to Him and He looked at me with such delight. He gazed into my eyes and said "Thank you for saying yes, thank you for taking this journey with me, thank you for the sacrifice. I delight in you and I love you"

That moment and that delight in His eyes made it all worth it.

International House Of Prayer - Day 1

Hey I'm back!

Christa and I just finished our 2 day drive into Kansas City, MO yesterday. Today was our first day encountering the Prayer House and FCF services. Let me just say that it is very apparent that the Lord has an assignment for us here. It feels like I have a big sign over my head that everyone can see but me. It's almost as if they see exactly why God wants me here and are so excited for me. I have had two encounters today with people from the church that just made me want to weep as they just spoke. God was moving in my heart. Maybe in later days when I am free to share I will talk about it a little more in depth, but right now I don't feel it is right timing. 

So we walk into the prayer room and we are just grabbing info sheets about all the services yada, yada and decide to ask the receptionist, Phillip, about the prophetic ministry sign up list. Christa begins to tell him that we are new and need information and as soon as he learns that he looks at me with a locked gaze not saying anything for what felt like forever and I knew the Lord was there...I was holding back a flood of tears. He began to speak about the importance of the decision I made to come to IHOP, a little about why the Lord brought me there, the importance of my relationship with Christa, my significance in Vegas and on and on. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore it was just overwhelming. THIS WAS JUST THE INFORMATION BOOTH!!

So I somewhat collect myself and walk into the prayer room and Misty just walks in and begins her set. Half way between her first song she beings to sing prophetically and I KNOW God is speaking to me through her song. She sings about remembering the past when we were dreamy eyed friends of God and how we  look back on those days now and say they were the best days of our lives. She sang exact thoughts and intimate moments in my life that I have had with God that no one could ever know....I just wept and wept. My heart was being reconnected and coming alive again. Then she began to sing that He will make it all beautiful again and it will all be worth it and about how He remembers us...

My heart is wrecked...

I know that this time is a time where God is taking me back to being just a daughter, not a leader, worship leader, ICLV staff member, or whatever other title, position or role I have been labeled with. Just a daughter being lavished by the father heart of God.

This is only day one. I can not wait to see how the rest of the time goes.

That's all for tonight...i'm exhausted.

Love you guys.

The Beginning

So I am not a blogger but I feel like I am about to embark on such a faith journey that I need to start. I also want to just keep friends and family who aren't doing everyday with me in the loop of what is happening in my life.

I will try and do my best to keep this blog up, we'll see how it goes.

So, if you haven't heard, I made the decision to go to IHOP (international house of prayer) for the whole month of September. If you know me then you know IHOP has burning on my heart for years, I just never went for whatever excuses I had (fear, lack of finances, wrong timing, etc) and kinda let the dream die out.

How did I finally make the leap? Well, my friend Koby started nudging me in her own little "quit wasting your life being a wimp," way to follow my heart. So I decided to let that desire live again and as I did I heard the Lord say "the beginning of September". In a way I was excited but in my heart I was saying "No! I don't want to!," but I know the Lord enough to know.....He will have His way ...lol. Then not even 2 weeks after I heard that, Christa, a good friend of mine, called and told me that the Lord told her that she was supposed to spend a month at IHOP and He told her that she was to invite me.  Okay, weird? So I then asked, "What month are you going up?" She replied, "SEPTEMBER." Oh crap, this just got real.

So after many confirmations and prophetic words my heart finally says Yes. 


As soon as I say yes, everything in my world starts changing at what feels like lightning speed force. My parents move out of my home, now I'm stuck with a mortgage, my job might get cut down to 20 or less hours a week, I get offered some great opportunities that could change if I leave. So now I'm just a little nervous about how am I going to afford the trip, pay my bills and pay my mortgage!?
 I just hold on to "but God said." 


 As this all is happening the Lord then tells me "Put your mortgage payment in the offering bucket"....WHAT?!  This was a new one for me, honestly, I am not the type just to throw all my money in the offering, but I heard it clear as day. I hesitantly filled out the offering envelope and seriously felt like I was going to die or cry as I was putting it in. Then 2 days later a woman asks Koby and I if we can buy some diapers and stuff for her kid because she didn't have money but we didn't have cash. So I take the woman in to go shopping. I was nervous lol. I really didn't want to be cheap with her, cause God's not cheap but I was struggling cause I just gave lots of money away and I am just trying to save for this trip. I just had to keep saying "God's love looks like something and it isn't cheap." The total bill for that lady's shopping spree was $90...she was embarrassed and wanted to take my phone number so she could pay me back but I told her that God loves her and He provides her with all she needs and she doesn't have to pay me back. So Koby and I prayed for her and went on our way.
Now, I really didn't know how I was going to make anything work financially.

BUT GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!  


Out of nowhere finances start coming in and I didn't even ask anyone for anything!
My mortgage got paid for the month that I gave it away in the offering and for the month of September. I received $1392 in misc checks to help support my trip. AMAZING.

God knows I'm like a little scared kid so He is taking me by the hand and taking me step by step. I hear Him saying "Come out of the boat Cynthia." The waters look pretty scary and very uncertain but I am taking my first steps out and you are now on the journey with me. I don't know what's going to happen or how it's all going to work out but I know He is with me.

Blessings,

Cynthia


PS Please feel free to partner with me in prayer for this trip and even for after the trip cause I feel like life as I know it is going to look very different.