You brought me here to die...

So I finished my first week here at IHOP and let me say that it feels like I've been here waaaaay longer than a week. Time is going by fast but the work that God is doing is so intense that it feels like I've been here for like a month already.

I came out here fully knowing the Lord was going to work in my life I just didn't know it was going to look like death. I knew it was going to be hard to be in the prayer house all day because that is not a normal lifestyle for me because I work, so I only have so many hours in the day. I don't know, have you ever tried praying for more than 4 hours straight or for the whole day everyday? LOL. It sounds super glorious, and it is, but it's not the easiest thing and it has a price. Your life. Everyone that I have talked to has a similar story of coming here and dying 1,000 deaths. This place really lives out the "take up your cross and follow me," and it's beautiful.

As I am spending all this time with the Lord I feel the flames of purging being turned up. It hurts and all this stuff starts coming up. All I want to do is call my friends, watch a movie, eat, go on facebook or find ANYTHING that will help me cope and numb all this stuff I am feeling, and for the first couple of days I do do that thinking nothing of it cause it's what I have always done. Then the Lord gently places His finger on this area and says "I am jealous for that."

"I want to be the one you turn to. I want to be enough for you when you are lonely. I want to be enough when you feel bored. I want to be the one that makes you feel beautiful. I want to be the one you find your worth in, I want to be the one you waste your time on." "I want to be your one and only."


I didn't even realize how busy I was internally and externally. I wasn't even allowing the Lord to be Lord in my life. By doing all that I was doing I was telling Him, "you're not enough."
So I just started feeling Him stripping me and ripping out all the distractions. I literally feel like a smoker trying to quit. It was like I was so irritated, lonely, bored, antsy, etc, just itching for something to hold me over but it was just me, Jesus and the wall....

Then in one of the services we were asking the Holy Spirit to fill us up and it took on a whole different meaning than it ever has before. I began to cry out to the Lord to fill the lonely places, the places that feel dead, the places where I feel void, unwanted, ugly etc etc...and the beauty of it all was He did.
When I actually gave Him room to touch those places He did...what a concept lol.

Later in the night a girl was praying for me and I saw Him in a vision and I was carrying all my garbage and bringing it to Him and He looked at me with such delight. He gazed into my eyes and said "Thank you for saying yes, thank you for taking this journey with me, thank you for the sacrifice. I delight in you and I love you"

That moment and that delight in His eyes made it all worth it.